5/30 Things: Happiest

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happiest right now?

1) My ability to sing. 

 I sing when I'm sad, happy, angry...pretty much in any situation I am singing or humming to myself to keep me from either having a temper tantrum or killing someone.  I can't say that I have spontaneously broken out into song because of something someone said, but my co-workers and I have a song that we will just randomly text or say to each other that causes any bad day or moment to go away and smile.

2)  My husband.

Russy loves me for who I am and that makes me happy.  I just have to constantly remind myself of that fact.

3)  My furrbabies.

Dax, Zoey Redbird, Brutus Octavius, and Punky Brewster are my children right now.  They are spoiled rotten and they know it.  I love nights my husband has off because I get to snuggle with Russy, Bru and Punky.  And even though Zoey is our outside baby...she is such a cuddle bug too.  She gives the best hugs.  I always keep her in the house when I'm sick, because she snuggles and hugs you until your well.

4)  My Job.

A combination of the people I work with, the awesome hotel I work with, and the management keeps my stress levels very low.  My co-workers are very helpful and flexible (as am I) on when people need special days off.  AND!!!  They have these awesome celebrations every month for the people who work here.  Now that is worker recognition!!!

5)  My In-laws, Friends, and Sisters.

This group of fantastic people are....wow...there are no words to describe what these people mean to me.  My in-laws are like my husband...they love me no matter what.  They like me just the way I am.  My friends have always and will always be there for me no matter what.  And my Sisters are just the greatest group of women.  Again....I have no words and have become vaklempt.

4/30 Things: Sixteen

4. List 10 Things you could tell your 16 year old self, if you could:

1) You can hold out for that special someone in your life.  When the time comes and you believe you've waited long enough and he's pretty fabulous...wait six months longer.  He will be your husband and the one who God has given you.  Waiting is hard, but the reward of waiting for him...is even greater than you can imagine.  (You can't imagine how much I kick our butts for meeting "the one" just one month after giving up the wait!)

2) Never give up the eating habits that you have right now that mom works a lot!  You will spend hundreds of dollars trying to correct your eating habits that you have perfect right now!!!  Plus, you'll never have to go through the wardrobe that I have right now...

3) Never give those Levi acid wash jeans you got at the outlet mall in Denver to your sister.  If you've listened to #2..you should still fit into them and won't be turning it into a purse at my age.

4) Trust me when I say...even though you want to kill your sister now...she will become your best friend.  I know..."s'yea right!"  Don't get snotty lady!!!  She will; and she'll also give you your two most favorite people in the world outside of your husband...who you will spoil rotten and believe the sun rises and sets within them.

5)  It is okay to question Mom's faith.  She is allowed to believe what she wants, but what feels fundamentally wrong to you...probably is.  Don't wait until your late 20's to try another church...she's not going to kill you because you leave the faith...only if you stop being Christian...and so will I!  (Yes...we're inches away from time travel and I will come back and kick your booty!)

6)  Don't let your brother stop talking to you, either one of them.  Jason really needs you and so does Joe.


7) Never lose your childlike faith...you will spend years in ignorance, but once you figure out you've lost it...you will become obsessed with getting it back and figuring out where you lost it.


8)  Don't be discouraged when your family forgets your sixteenth birthday.  This is going to be a tough year and that is only the beginning of the pile.  You will survive it and be a much stronger person because of it.  Don't dwell and try to figure out what you did wrong.  You really didn't do anything.


9)  Just follow your first inclination after high school and get your Bachelor's of Education.  Be a teacher!  Plus...take that 2 year teaching job in Japan...it won't interfere with finding "the one," and be memories that I wish I had today.


10)  Never stop wearing your pageant heels.  I stopped for a couple of years and now anything over a kitten heel cause too much pain just walking around the house. 

3/30 Things: Relationships with Parents

3. Describe your relationship with your parents

Wow...I actually have not been looking forward to this post.  I even almost didn't write one for this post.  My relationship with my parents has been...rocky, I guess is the best word for it.  

My mother used to be my best friend.  We did everything together, along with my sister.  We had girls nights, movie nights...and many other things that most children absolutely dread doing with their parents.  When my step-dad divorced my mom I really couldn't foresee how our lives were going to be because up to that point it was always Duane and my mom.  This man was the only father I knew up til I was like eight or nine!  We grew up air force so it wasn't the easiest lifestyle, but I thank God everyday for it.  I am a better person because from an early age I was held accountable for my actions and spanked until I was a lady and behaved as such.  But back to my mom.  I think the turning point in our relationship was when she had a gastric bypass surgery.  I used to tell everyone that she became a pod person.  But I now know that that isn't true either.  After having the surgery...she had such an inflated self confidence that it lead her to pursue other avenues for entertainment than what she had originally done.  She introduced me to going to bars and karaoking , but!!  And this is a big but!!!  We could go without getting drunk or causing a scene and still have a fabulous evening and upholding our standards.  It was after the surgery that she started to spend most of her nights at a bar getting drunk.  She was arrested for a DUI which to this day she says she was profiled and followed from a bar.  This we can all overlook...but why I say this is a pivotal moment is because the mother that I knew...ceased to exist.  We no longer spent days together.  We no longer took trips together.  We no longer shared everything about ourselves with each other.  And believe me I tried!

She doesn't drink like she used to...and I thought once she grew up again that we could repair our relationship.  And I tried...but when you live 15 minutes from your daughters house, but refuse to drive to it...it kinda grates on your nerves.  My mother hasn't been to my house in a year...and that time was actually for ten minutes when leaving on a girls weekend and everyone was meeting at my house.  Before that it had been Easter or mothers day the year we moved into our house.  And another big mark that says I really don't need to be trying to repair this relationship...she was crying to my sister awhile ago telling her that she was all alone and that my sister never visited anymore, and my sister replied that she never came over to hers or my house either.  That she had two children which meant she should never feel alone.  To which my mother replied she didn't have another daughter because I refused to talk to her or come over to her house. 

(WOW I just looked over this and found I'm telling my life story...cripes!!!)

Anywhoo...I love my mother and wish for the relationship we had when I was growing up, but I guess until my mother grows up and stops being so childish I don't think that relationship will ever heal itself.  (And before y'all get gripey with me...I have gone over to my mothers house, many, many times!  But my husband and I can't spend long periods of time over there because they smoke incessantly in the house and I am a severe asthmatic. At least when going over to my sisters, she airs out the house and refuses to smoke inside while I am there.  My mother and her husband walk around the house smoking like a freight train after promising they would go outside.


Okay so on to my Dad.  Our relationship is probably the exact opposite to my mom's.  Dad was never really around growing up unless it was birthdays or holidays and then it was like it was more out of obligation.  But now a days...my Dad calls me out of the blue just to say hi and check on me.  This has been happening more and more frequently and I have to say...the old bugger is growing on me.  When we talk it's for long periods of time and I have to say...I really like this leaf my Dad has turned.

Out of these relationships with my parents...I could be a complete mess, but because of other people who helped raise me I am a great person.  My Step-father Duane who pretty much raised me with very old fashioned morals and values.  My 2nd father (who is my BFF's Dad) Keith, taught me the meaning of a loving relationship and how to have plain and simple fun in everything I do.  Another father type Carlas who made sure I was taken care of when my mom faded from my life. 

Keep checking back for more posts from 30 Things!!! 

2/30 Things: Fears

HOPESandDREAMS: 2/30 Things: Fears





2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. I guess my ultimate fear is being a widow.

I know that when I have a child...it'll change to the fear of losing said miracle baby after spending so many years waiting for them.  But right now...I fear for my husbands life.  Of course, the way he drives doesn't help this issue any, but I guess the fear started last year.  We lost Russy's dad unexpectedly in July and ever since then I have fret and worried myself sick about losing him.  If you don't know, my husband is 19 years older than I am...so this fear is valid.  But every time my husband and I have this talk he reminds me that we can not and do not know God's will and with his sense of humor...I'd be the one going before him.

Don't tell him I said so...but sometimes my Russy can be so wise.

2. I fear not ever having a child.

This again is a valid fear.  Several years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS.  I know many women who have had beautiful babies while having PCOS, but I also know many women who don't.  Russy and I are not financially sound right now to try fertility treatments, but my Doc said lose some weight and see if that helps!  I've currently lost 20 lbs.  and am battling to hit 30. (I go up, down, up, down, up, down!!) And have already started to see cycles becoming regular.  

3.  I fear not being good enough.

This mainly has to pertain to my faith.  Not being faithful enough or strong enough in my faith that when I die or the day of judgement comes I am not among those in heaven.  But it's also started to seep into my life.  I fear not being a good enough wife to my husband.  I fear not being beautiful enough, or sexy enough, or a good enough friend.  I know that this fear stems from my faith not being strong enough...but when you start to question the faith you were raised as; and try to find where you fit in life...I guess the rest of your life is going to be a little shaky too.  

  

1/ 30 Things: 20 Random Things about ME!

Okay so first off to know what I am doing...you need to check this awesome chicky out.  She (Jessi) started this year out by wanting to get to know herself and by extension her hubby better...so this is what she's blogging about.  So today I begin this journey along side her!!!

**Here is a listing of all the 30 Things posts and my corresponding answers!**

1) I am and always have been bothered by the fact no one can pronounce my name correctly when reading it off a class list or roster.

2) I am completely bothered by the fact whenever I say my name on the phone people repeat it back to me as Kathy.

3) I am the last of seven children including step, half, and full blood siblings.

4) I have a degree as a Paralegal, but never worked a day in the field.

5) I want to be a writer, but frequently find myself without something to say.

6) I have been working on my wedding scrapbook since the wedding 3 years ago and find myself only 1/3 of the way finished.

7) My entire family has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (which scares the bejeesus outta me), but my sister (whose always had to be different) was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.

8) My dream car is a 2012 Ford Edge Limited in Blue.

9)  I find that sometimes even though I love my husband to bits...I want to murder him in his sleep.


10) I am addicted to twinkies and heath bars, but only allow myself heath bars at "that time" of the month and never allow myself twinkies.


11) I spent an entire summer hoarding and eating twinkies and all I had to show for it was a recognizable twinkie butt.


12) Can't decide whether I need the NYX Crimson Pallet or the New Bare Minerals cool or warm collection set....(I am currently obsessed with makeup!) 


13) I am currently on the look out for a good facial cleanser and moisturizer that is pretty inexpensive, but really good for removing makeup and keeping your face from getting too oily.  (References appreciated!!!)


14) I LOVE giving people visual aids in my blogs, but find posting pictures is horrid!!!  So I've just discovered how to link!!!


15) I always find out about awesome things after a deadline is announced...take for example this or cookie swaps...or other awesome..people meeting things!!!


16) I fully believe that God intended for me to be a full figure woman...now I just need to wrap mine and my doctors head around that and be okay with it.


17) For years I struggled with the fundamental beliefs of my mothers religion before I said...hey I'm a big girl...it's time to find a better "spiritual fit" for me.  And I did!!!  


18) I have always dreamed of going on a mission trip, but the opportunities have never been presented at a time when I could afford it.


19) I dream of living in Ireland for at least half a year before I die.


20) I try to curb my addiction to pinterest in such a way that my friends have commented...you don't post anything for days and then all of a sudden there's an EXPLOSION of new pins to slog through!!!  


This post took me almost three hours!!!  I've been sitting here wracking my brain trying to come up with somethings that people close to me know, but most that they don't.  Because let's face it...my blog isn't viewed very much by outside people.  Hopefully, that will change!

Musings on a Sermon

I’ve been attending a new church called Mt. Olive in Van Buren.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been in church…now I’m not trying to make excuses, but between working on Sundays, not being able to get my lazy butt out of bed….or dressed to make it to a service, I haven’t been to church in about a month.  Now whenever I go that long between spiritual nourishment, my soul seems to take a hit and I notice that my faith becomes a little rusty.  It’s easier to make bad choices and not give a fig for what other people think.

This past Sunday my Pastor held a sermon that really stood out to me.  Now normally I just take notes and reread services and be content with it.  But this service keeps calling me to blog about it…I can only pray that I can do Pastor Barry proud with it.

On April 15, 2012 Mt. Olive church started a new series called, “At the Movies.”  We started with a five minute clip from Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  This clip was where Lucy and Edmund we’re with their cousin in their bedroom after getting in trouble by their uncle.  They were commenting on how much a painting reminded them of Narnia and how much they’d like to go back.  After some bickering with their cousin about not living in the real world…the painting starts pour out water.  This was what they had been wanting…to go back to Narnia.  Pretty soon they were being picked up by Prince Caspian and taken aboard his ship where they were welcomed and introduced to the crew as the High Prince and Princess of Narnia.

 

The correlation that Pastor Barry made with this clip was the start of an adventure.  For Edmund and Lucy and even their cousin this was the beginning of their adventure.  For the congregation this was the beginning of our adventure!

The main theme that stood out to me was the power of routine in our lives.   Acts 3:1-10 says, “ Peter and John went to the Temple one afternoon to take part in the three o’clock prayer service. As they approached the Temple, a man lame from birth was being carried in. Each day he was put beside the Temple gate, the one called the Beautiful Gate, so he could beg from the people going into the Temple. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for some money. Peter and John looked at him intently, and Peter said, “Look at us!” The lame man looked at them eagerly, expecting some money.  But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold for you. But I’ll give you what I have. In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene,  get up and  walk!” Then Peter took the lame man by the right hand and helped him up. And as he did, the man’s feet and ankles were instantly healed and strengthened. He jumped up, stood on his feet, and began to walk! Then, walking, leaping, and praising God, he went into the Temple with them. All the people saw him walking and heard him praising God. When they realized he was the lame beggar they had seen so often at the Beautiful Gate, they were absolutely astounded!”

Just imagine what would have happened if the beggar hadn’t  followed his routine that day…he wouldn’t have been healed!  It was explained to us that we all have decided to make changes in our lives, but pretty soon routine takes over and our hearts deaden and our souls wither.  The first question that popped into my head after Pastor Barry said this was, “Well, what is defined as a routine?”  But, of course, he was one step ahead of me.  It could be something we do the same way day in and day out, or even an attitude we’ve had for most of our lives saying, “I can’t,” or “I’m useless.”  This sounds like all of us.  We’ve all said those two things to ourselves at one time or another.   We’ve all been told this is a defeatest attitude and we shouldn’t believe these things, but speaking from personal experience…it’s hard not to put yourself down or believe that in anything you can and will perservere.   We can change our attitudes and get out of our routine, but then something happens to knock our feet out from under us and we revert back to the way we were.  The routine we worked so hard to get out from under in the first place.  

Another routine could be our finances.  This again struck very close to home.  Russ and I have attended Financial Peace University and have been on the road to becoming debt free for awhile now.  We know what we’re supposed to do and work our hind ends off to do it, but inevitably something happens and we fall back into our old habits.  Last year we made enough money in a side job to completely pay off all our credit cards, but did we?  No, because as soon as the cash came in, we spent it as entertainment money…eating out, going to movies, or purchasing something we really didn’t need.  We’ve set the goal this year that by the end of summer we will have the credit cards paid off.  It’s a little daunting, but I pray every night that God helps of achieve this.  Or at least helps us to stay on track enough that we’re almost there.  We know things are going to break so we just want to be pretty darn close if not done with the credit cards by the end of summer.
So throughout this whole thing you’ve probably been asking yourself… “How do you break routine?” Come on Cassie…get to the good stuff!!!  Well Pastor Barry says, “Its simple! You start living differently!”  Simple!  That’s not simple…that’s freakin hard!!!  He finishes by saying, “It’s simple, but it’s the application that’s hard.”  So how do we start living differently?

“The Daily Practice of Childlike Faith.”

Matthew 18:1-4 says, “About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The simplest way to change your routine is to practice childlike faith and take it one day at a time.  So what is childlike faith?
1) Trust God Completely.
2) Be Completely obedient to God.

Simple right?  For children yes, but we as adults seem to find these two things to be the hardest things we have to do.  Why?  When did we start not trusting God completely?  When did we stop being completely obedient to God?  This is what I’ve been struggling with all week.  When did this happen to me and why do I find it so hard to have childlike faith?  Heck…I made a goal for this week:  I would read one chapter a night from the bible…every night.  No cheating and catching up half way through.  But you know what…by the second night I had missed my bible reading and haven’t gotten a single night since.  I’ll be missing church this week because I have to work, but I am setting the same goal for myself.    

Also…I found a great blog post that helps you examine things about yourself that you think you know right off the bat, but I started looking and I couldn’t come up with good answers.  So, for awhile at least I will be doing these posts that delve deeper into me.  Maybe, with helping me find me, I can find my childlike faith.

Ramblings

It's been awhile since I've posted anything and the other day I was scribbling in my notebook and this is what I came up with...hope you enjoy!

An Open Letter to My Loves:

It started with who is now a park ranger. You, little boy, who runs through my memory with abandon were a perfect little gentleman. You were a knight, an alien, Ninja Turtle, and on occasion my savior from cruel kids. It was the end of the world when I moved. We didn't know it, but it was the end of us. To you I owe my childhood...thank you for the laughs and making my childhood a better place.

To my first kiss; the circumstances that surrounded that monumental moment sucked, but you made it a bright weekend. Our love was true and new. You made me figure out who I was and what I wanted. I miss the long conversations we used to have and every now and then I hear your voice (accent and all) telling me things I need to hear. Thank you for helping me find my way.

To the man who would have been my husband; From friends to loves and back and forth many times, we've been through hard times, we've been through good times. We both said hurtful things and to this day have never fully forgiven each other. I hear about you from time to time and I think every time I see your boy he looks more and more like you. I wish we could sit down as adults and get past the pain. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if certain events hadn't happened, but such is life. I wish you and yours well and hope life is everything you wanted. Thank you for opening my eyes to the way people can really be and how to see through the masks they portray.

To the men who would have been and were my first; You leave a dark spot on the brightness of my life. The only reason I stop and pay attention to your memory is not because of you personally, but because of the moment in my life and lessons I learned from it. You two men were and always will be the villians of my fairy tale. I thank you both for nothing and sing praises everyday you are out of my life.

To my husband; I never would have thought we would work as well as we do. Ten years ago I would have said people were crazy if they had suggested us, but now I can't imagine my life without you. You help me forget I'm getting older and being scared, but also help me to mature in who I am. I sometimes get lost in you and wish sometimes you did the same. Thank you for the incredible love story in which I get to play a part and for our future. I know it will be long and I know it will be bright!

To the few men between these milestones. I do remember you and the memories we shared. I am truly grateful for the roles you played in my life and the lessons you brought with them...confidence, lust, betrayal, forgiveness, maturity, foresight, and how to drive a stick shift, just to name a few.

Life is a lesson...and you were all Teachers.